The Sermon!

So I've been convinced, instructed & told that I need to do a blog. I have lil to say lately, life just isn't that fascinating here in Orlando. Actually, life could be fascinating but lately I've been practicing SELF DESTRUCTION. phewww now the world knows, I'm just as SCREWED up as the rest of them lol. Webster calls self destruction:

–noun

1. the destruction or ruination of oneself or one's life.

2. suicide. 

yep, real talk...suicide. I thought suicide meant the end of life, the end of breathing lil did I know I've been committing suicide, yet I'm still alive, still breathing. Dang, what's worse? complete death or walking around feeling like you are. Anyways, I've been practicing self destruction lately. I've lost about 45 pounds since I've been home. Eating better, exercising, sleeping, not allowing stress into my life but lately I've been doing the opposite. I've worked so hard to get to where I was (where I am, where I'm trying to stay at) and lately I've been slawing-out (slippin') just letting everything go. I don't sleep, I'm sick, I'm hoarse all the time, I'm sleep walking eyes open. The world? The world is functioning and I'm waiting to jump in....thing is I've been waiting FOREVER! I've been missing out on opportunities, left & right. I lately have NO time for myself and when I do get time, I try to find anything to get in the way of my free time. Then later I'm angry because I sacrificed my time for someone or something else. I don't really go out with friends (don't really have those) bc I'm exhausted. Exhausted from what though? I have no idea. I guess the body and mind is smarter then I thought. They too feel tired of feeling tired. Here I thought it was only the spirit and soul that felt that. 

Honest truth I can feel it in my bones that I am destined for GREAT things. Seriously, ever since I was a child I could taste it. God has something HUGE for me and I know that once I get there I'm going to ask God, if he really intended me to be that great or do such great things; I believe that. Yet, lately I've been telling myself that I am not capable for greatness, that sometimes ppl are just meant to be at the lower market of the totem pole (that someone has to do it). The devil is feeding me LIES! and I was believing his dumb behind. Then I went to church this morning. The sermon was STRAIGHT FIRE, as it usually is. The pastor spoke about how we need to have Faith in God that he will provide, that he will never be late and no matter how long we've been waiting he'll get there on time. Sometimes we want things before our time, we get it, mess it up & wonder why it wasn't as GREAT as we thought it would be. Um if it's not your time it's not your time! But hold up, I've also learned that even God says "be still" he doesn't mean stay still. In other words, DON'T BE A BUM AND SIT ON YOUR BUTT and think God is going to give you a new job just because YOU want it. life and things are just not that easy. 

Enough with the whining! Someone please get me some cheese to go with that whine! Or better yet, get me some wine to numb the whine; skip the cheese. What am I doing to change it? well for starters I'm going swimming tomorrow. I have to start working out again, I can feel the heaviness on my body. After tonight I'm going to start going to bed earlier so that I can at least get 8 hrs sleep  & no MORE junk food. As far as what am I going to do with my free time? hmmmm start focusing on my music and um def a new job. The job is starting to get to me. Don't get me wrong I'm thankful to have a job but I'm tired of not being able to do something for them except what I do. I'm tired of hearing sly remarks like "I hope you feel good about yourself when you stretch out your hand for your government check.

I can't promise that I"m going to change over night; I wish I could. But I can promise that  I'll try my hardest to change for the better and stop all this self destruction. 

HMMMM I guess I did have much to say. Funny how life's lessons make you go insane but help you deal with insane situations later. :)